Acknowledge Success and Give Precision Praise

Acknowledgment and precision praise can help build a child^·s self-esteem and self-confidence–both of which will help make him/her less vulnerable as a target. Precision praise describes a specific behavior that works well, thus reinforcing your child^·s self confidence and willingness to repeat that behavior. Compare the difference in the two following examples:

1) “I noticed when John tried to grab your ball away on the playground you looked directly into his eyes and your voice was calm when you told him it was your ball and to give it back. How did it feel to stand up for yourself without getting into a fight?” The example highlights and reinforces specific behaviors. The child knows exactly what he/she did that was successful. By asking a question like, “How did it feel to...?” ––or “You must feel very proud!” it encourages the child to reflect on the positive feelings that result from acting in a specific manner, and to feel competent and responsible––thus promoting a strong inner locus of control.

2) “I was so proud of how you handled that!” The child may or may not have an idea what he/she did that was so wonderful in! We^·ve lost an opportunity to anchor a positive behavior and the focus is on how good I, the parent, feel about what he/she did, thus promoting an external locus of control.

2. Encourage Independence

It is important for children who are targets to develop a stronger sense of independence and competence. While it is natural for parents to want to protect a child from bullying, “overprotection” can leave the child at an even greater risk for bullying. Utilize suggestions on this sheet, and promote independence by en­couraging development of social contacts with peers, developing talents and skills, and allowing the child to make choices whenever possible.

3. Provide Emotional Support

Being a target of bullying is about loss:

·   Loss of safety (losing sense of psychological and possibly physical safety)

·   Loss of self-esteem (coming to believe the demeaning comments of the bully)

·   Loss of sense of belonging (becoming increasingly isolated and without friends)

·  Loss of control over one^·s life (losing freedom to move comfortably through the school)

Encourage your child to talk about the bullying––how it affected him/her and his/her feelings. Validate your child's feelings and help him/her understand the bullying was not his/her fault.

4. Teach Social and Coping Skills

Improve Social and Friendship Skills

Help your child improve his/her social and friendship skills. The goal is to build a social network of supportive peers and reduce social isolation. Many schools have “skill groups” specially designed to teach kids friendship and coping skills. There are also many books that can be helpful with this. Encourage involvement in activities and groups in school or the community––any place where your child can develop talents and skills, and develop a stronger social network of friends.

Teach Bully Resistance Skills

There are specific skills that can help your child cope with bullying. It can be helpful to have your child practice the following skills through role play:

·         Assertiveness Skills: Stand up straight, look the bully straight in the eye and say, “Stop that!”

·         Humor: Deflect the hurtful intent of the bully^·s comment by responding with something silly or nonchalant, such as, “That^·s an interesting perspective!” or “Fascinating!” The point is to not respond to the bully^·s intention to insult, but rather to let the verbal “dig” roll off your back like water off a duck. Caution: Be careful not to make fun of the bully. It will only escalate the situation.

·         Ignore: Remain calm and walk away. If there are other people in the vicinity, walk over and join the group––especially if they are likely to be supportive.

·        Tell an Adult: If someone is being bullied, it is important to tell a trusted adult. If the adult doesn^·t do something to help, tell another adult. Telling about bullying is not the same as tat­tling. Suggest your child ask him/herself the following question when he/she is feeling bullied to help decide if it would be tattling or telling to talk to an adult: “Why am I thinking about talking to an adult about this?”

1) “Do I feel afraid or anxious because someone is doing something to purposely hurt me (my body, feelings, or things)?” That^·s telling.

2) “Do I want to get attention or get someone else in trouble?” That^·s tattling.

Teach Reframing

The way we think about an event has to do with the “meaning” or interpretation we give to things:

It^·s the “frame” through which we view something. Victimized children often come to believe what the bully is saying about him/her: “I^·m stupid.” or “I^·m a fatso.” The frame that the victim gives to the bullying is, “There is something wrong with me.” Help your child view the situation through a different frame––one that doesn^·t leave him/her responsible for the bullying because of a “defect or inadequacy in him/herself. Identify it for what it is: Bullying.

5. Modify Provocative Reactions to Bullying

It^·s important to help targets of aggression eliminate any behaviors that reinforce bullying and socially isolate them from their peers. Somtimes children have reactive or over-active behaviors that seem to set them up for bullying. This is often the case with students diagnosed as hyperactive or ADHD. When children do things that antagonize and irritate their peers, or when they over-react to aggression, it has a strong reinforcing effect on aggressive children. Help him/her learn ways to act that make him/her less of an “easy target.”