TIPS FOR PARENTS OF CHILDREN WHO “BULLY”

 

1. Nurture a Positive Relationship

Spend Time

Spend more time doing enjoyable activities and chores together. This will help strengthen the bond of your relationship and will lay the groundwork for everything else you do!

Communicate

Have regular “family meetings” and informal discussions with your child. Talk about activities and feelings. Show interest in your child·s likes and dislikes, successes and concerns, etc.

Acknowledge and Praise

It·s much easier for a child (or an adult) to accept correction when they know they are appreciated and re­spected for the things they do “right.” The commonly accepted ratio is 4 to 1 (four positive acknowledgments to one criticism). The most effective form of praise lets the child know specifically what he did that is being acknowledged. “You did a great job!” doesn·t provide much useful information. “You picked up your toys without being asked!” clearly identifies for the child the behavior you·re trying to reinforce.

2. Establish and Uphold Clear Rules

Provide a Clear Message That Bullying Is Not OK

It is essential that parents make it clear that aggression will not be accepted––and that there will be conse­quences for aggressive/bullying behavior.

3. Provide Fair and Consistent Consequences

It is crucial in order for there to be learning that consequences be age and developmentally appropriate, and non-punitive in nature. While consequences should be mildly unpleasant, they should not be overly harsh: Corporal punishment should never be used. Never bully the bully. There are many “unintended consequences” to severe punishments that are counter productive and destructive:

·         Severe punishment may suppress the behavior in question; however, it models the very behavior the parents are trying to extinguish––thus reinforcing it.

·        Harsh punishment reinforces the concept that so long as someone is more “powerful” than someone else, he/she has license to resort to aggression and bullying. “Might makes right.”

·       The child may simply become “smarter” about when and where to behave aggressively, in order to avoid punishment.

·       Harsh consequences breed anger and rage. Children filled with anger and rage tend to lose their re­spect and fear of authority––as well as their inhibitions for revenge. This can result in their seeking revenge, either directed toward the adult who inflicted the punishment, or indirectly as an expression toward peers in school.

·       Some children, having experienced severe punishment, simply “give up” and withdraw. This can lead to a condition known as “learned helplessness.”

Separate the child from the behavior. Reassure your child you love him/her, while making it clear you don·t like the aggressive behavior. Remain calm and respectful. Anger and yelling won·t help! You can tell your child you love him/her, but by breaking a rule, he/she has “earned a consequence”––a consequence that ide­ally has been established and is understood by the child in advance of the misbehavior. Be clear and matter of fact in providing the consequence.

4. Supervise

Know Your Child’s Friends and Activities

Who does he/she spend time with? How do they spend their time together? Spend time with your child and his/her friends sometimes, and express your interest in your child·s life.

Monitor Your Child’s Exposure to the Media

There is research showing that children who watch a lot of violence on TV, movies, and video/computer games often behave more aggressively–– and they have less empathy for victims of aggression. Limit the amount of time your child witnesses violence in the media.

5. Teach

Model Pro-social Behaviors

Consciously model the types of behavior you want your child to learn––particularly in the area of social and coping skills (dealing with stress and anger, resolving conflicts, being a good friend, etc.). It is par­ticularly important to role model respectful and effective ways of dealing with anger and frustration. Our children learn much more from watching how we behave when we·re angry than listening to what we say about the proper way to deal with anger.

Help Your Child Correct “Crooked Thinking”

Children who use aggression to get their way have “crooked thinking”––patterns of thinking that contribute

to their aggressive behavior. For example, children who bully often think, “I·m supposed to get my way all the time...” or “When I·m angry, it·s okay to hit.” Teach “straight thinking”––ways of thinking that encourage sharing, taking responsibility, and not lashing out when angry. For example, “Sometimes I·ll get my way, other times I won·t.” or “It·s okay to feel angry. It·s not okay to hurt others.”

Provide Learning Opportunities

Check to see what sorts of activities, classes, or “skill groups” are available in school and community that can reinforce positive social and coping skills (anger or stress management, leadership, friendship or conflict resolution skills, etc.). Encourage your child to participate.

6. Work with the School

 

Take it seriously if you are told that your child is bullying at school.

Although it is natural for parents to want to protect and defend their child, keep in mind that children who

bully frequently grow up to be adults who have painful lifelong problems, i.e. failure in marriage and relationships, difficulty maintaining employment, involvement in criminal behavior, prison, substance abuse. If your child is bullying, the most caring thing you can do is intervene.

·        Talk with your child. Don·t be surprised if your child denies or minimizes the incident. Remain calm. While reassuring your child you love him/her and will help him/her learn better ways to deal with things, make it clear that any form of bullying is not acceptable.

·        Maintain open communication with your child·s teacher or principal so you can provide a con­sistent approach and reinforce each other·s efforts.

·        Continue to utilize strategies described above. If you think you might need additional support, get professional help. Talk with your school counselor or local mental health professionals. Re­member, reaching out for help when we need it is a sign of good mental health––and parenting!

Reprinted with permission from Bully-Free Schools: Circle of Support for Learning by Dee Lindenberger
Strategic Alternatives in Prevention Education Association (SAPE) Information regarding resources and training at www.sape.us